征集翻译《无名鸟》

蓝雨滴

试译下。几乎都是直译的哦。

I met him on the pathway by the lake
He has a pair of gray and brown wings
And his tail is long
The small round eyes like peas
He is very careful and keep distance from me
We go one after another
Sometimes I have my eyes on him
And he looks at me in responding
The fine sunlight passes through the dense branches of camphor tree
Touch lightly on his feathers

蓝雨滴

叶如钢 发表于 2016-2-2 22:43
很好。

多谢叶斑斑老师鼓励。
我昨晚看到这个觉着多是叙述性语言，就临屏做了下。 后来发现，我的翻译比原作少了很多明快的色彩。有时间我再修改下。

蓝雨滴

叶如钢 发表于 2016-2-3 20:44
我翻译的英文版有些句子和你的是一样的。

听到您这样说好高兴啊，倒是舍不得修改了。嘿嘿。。。

蓝雨滴

修改版：

A bird with unknowing name



On the track by the lake, we meet
He has a pair of gray and brown wings
And a long tail
The small round eyes like peas
He is very careful and keep distance from me
We walk one after another
Sometimes I have my eyes on him
And he looks at me in response
The fine sunlight grows through the dense branches of camphor tree
Touch lightly on his feathers

蓝雨滴

叶如钢 发表于 2016-2-6 00:01
觉得原版第一句好些。当然， 那样后面也要改成过去时。
这首应当用过去时。

谢谢叶斑斑老师讲解。
刚开始翻译时， 觉得第一句可以看做是统领全诗的倒叙式序语，所以就只这一句过去式。后来看着也觉得别扭。也曾想改成全部过去式，嘿嘿，当看到写小鸟的翅膀用过去式，感觉小鸟已经不在人世了，觉着不舒服，所以就成了全部的现在时。
谢谢夜班班老师解读了我的纠结。

蓝雨滴

叶如钢 发表于 2016-2-6 13:41
等下贴出我的版本供参考。

谢谢叶斑斑老师。